COMMUNITY
Who do you consider your community, your tribe? Who are the people you choose to surround yourself with?
Why do so many of us stay in friendships and relationships that we outgrow?
Do not simply CUT + RUN.
Indicators that it might be time to shift or let go of a relationship:
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friends getting angry or upset if you haven’t shared every detail of your life with them
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feeling drained every time you are in contact
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noticing yourself feeling resentful or getting together out of obligation
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a repeated nagging feeling that the person is not able to hold it when things go well for you
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having outgrown the thread that holds you together – shared unhealthy habit (ie, drinking, eating sugar, partying, drugs, complaining, etc.)
What to try before you completely step out of a relationship:
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create some space for yourself to get clear on what your patterns + habits are (when you would normally reach out, pause)
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journal about what being a friend means to you. what are your expectations?
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if you feel depleted after hanging out, give it a good amount of tries (they could be going through shift or you could or simply having a bad month or 2)
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create space for you in your calendar. Book dates with yourself – an hour to read, going to dinner, spending time in nature etc. – and hold these times sacred so you can develop your relationship with yourself
If after all this, you are ready to step away, do so as gracefully as possible:
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start extending the length of time in between calls/ friend dates
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instead of immediately saying yes out of obligation, practice making a date in the future (ex: I am busy this month, but let’s put something on the calendar for next month)
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remember you are an adult + do not have to explain why you are not available
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be kind
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remember that we are all learning + growing at different rates and just because you’ve outgrown something you once shared does not mean you are ahead or better than, you have simply grown apart.
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notice when you are making up a story of them being in the wrong simply because it’s hard to admit that you’ve outgrown each other.
As you clear space, a great practice is to list out what friendships you are wanting to bring into your life… ones that support on certain levels, specific types of collaboration, opportunities to show up fully as your messy self. Check in with you + remember it might be different than you’ve ever desired before. This is what the process of life brings… continual opportunities to refine and expand our spheres, to access new parts of ourselves + show up fully.
FOUNDATION
Happy New Year!
And then, I went home for a week.
When we consciously choose to work with an energy, we get all of it.
Foundation building AND foundation clearing. Shadow AND light. Always both ends of the spectrum and everything in between.
Once we commit to setting structures into place, then we actually have to DO the work.
This is where the “non-sexy” stuff comes in. How do you keep yourself going when it’s not feeling enjoyable? This has been an issue for me in the past as I tend to be more inspired by creativity and sometimes have a hard time bringing my creative thoughts into physical form.
If you would like support in putting structures + foundations in place, in uncovering your WHY and manifesting your dreams, in finding self-care practices that support you, schedule a FREE CALL with me where we can see if we’re a good fit to work together.
unconditional love
this is different than the love many of us have been taught
it feels cold at first.
But, it’s simply the absence of expectation, drama and old storylines.
To walk through the world with love,
We must love ourselves first,
UNCONDITIONALLY
What does this mean?
Look at all the shadows that are offering themselves up.
How do I do this, you ask?
See who triggers you… who you are judging… they represent a part of yourself that you haven’t owned.
Right now, we’re in a time of deep shadow excavating.
When you feel the small mean voices start in your head, turned towards you or someone else,
Love these parts.
Listen to them as you would a child. Don’t make them wrong or bad. Don’t stuff them down or resist them. Don’t argue with them. Simply listen to them. And, then kindly share with them that you understand AND you are choosing to feed different voices.
Breathe.
Tend to all the parts of yourself that you would ignore. Instead of running from your fears, name them. List them out on a piece of paper until you run out of space. Bring them up + out into the open.
Once they are there, thank them for the space they held that is now open + free. Make friends with them so they don’t rule your actions through shadow.
Breathe.
This is the work of the courageous warrior of these times.
As you practice, one step at a time, you will begin to know what it is to love yourself unconditionally.
And only then… can you love someone so fiercely that you trust they can take care of their own evolution? Can you be present as they make their own choices and walk their own path?
And remember that the only person you are responsible for saving is yourself?
It bears repeating:
The only person you are responsible for saving is yourself.
This does not absolve us of responsibility.
It is actually the most responsible thing we can do… commit 100% to our own growth, the thoughts we feed, our feelings, our actions, the words we speak.
One of the biggest gifts we bring to the world is our own transformation.
It affects others.
Profoundly.
Do not discount this.
receive woman receive
Sitting in a circle of women this weekend, the big topic of receiving came up. How important it is to receive and how many of us women feel more comfortable giving than receiving… or have internalized this as the only acceptable way to show up. The feminine is compassionate, kind, gentle… think Mother Mary or Kwan Yin. Yes, she is all this AND that is only a tiny piece of her puzzle.
Can you relate?
“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance” – Oscar Wilde
trust in your unfolding…
Butterfly. Totem. Transformation. Not a sweet totem as one would think. The courage it requires to become the butterfly… total annihilation of self one once was, form one once was… into something new and unexpected. No way of knowing what comes next, believing you are dying, again + again. When it’s just the parts of self that have outgrown their forms… And so much brilliance awaits. The butterfly has to cultivate a ridiculous amount of FAITH.
It is the feminine way, the way of the darkness, of trusting in the unknown, of allowing oneself to be led without knowing where one is going. Unlike the mythical Phoenix, who bursts into flames before being reborn. Or the snake who sheds it’s skin, caterpillar wraps itself in a cocoon and goes inside. It literally melts from the inside completely. Fluid, liquid, dark, feminine.
This has been my life’s path. I see butterflies everywhere… I see them when they are not supposed to be around… flying on the beach next to me in the dead of winter, in the fall forest when it’s cold + no leaves remain on the trees, in the middle of the desert at the end of my vision quest, 3 of them flying into the center of the tribal circle as soon as I sit down and start speaking, looking in my window while I’m sitting on a plane, when I drive my car through the city… everywhere.
They speak to me. When I ask for a sign, when I’m at my wits end, they show up. I am grateful… they help me keep my faith in the way I live… in continuing to move forward, having been shown only one tiny part of the next move… I can take one more step and trust that I will be shown the next… and the next… and the next.
One of my ex’s used to tease me when I continually looked up the meaning of animals as I came across them. He would say, do you think every ant that crosses your path is here to bring you a message? I would loudly insist YES!
There are periods of creativity that I go through where red cardinal shows up. Several literally flying right in front of my car at different points in the same day. I have been bitten by spiders during times of great transition so often that it cannot be mere coincidence. Songs play with words that answer the question I moments before posed to the Universe… or I’ll drive by a car with a vanity plate that answers. As the world I have known continues to crumble from the form it once was, I find refuge and solace in these messages from beyond. I turn towards them.
The world around us is constantly sending us signals, signs, messages + more. We interpret them through the forms we carry… friend, woman, daughter, teacher, scientist, executive, athlete, man, etc. and the filters we carry… pro-life, democrat, Catholic, Buddhist, sweet one, perfectionist, the good son, etc. In other words, our masks + our beliefs. Our brains bend reality to prove what we already believe. They use our beliefs + our masks as a way of filtering the massive amounts of data that we receive every second. They prove us right. Kind of like the alogarhythms of FB.
Yet, the Universal signs we receive entice us to step outside of these preconceived notions, these boxes we’ve put ourselves in. They come in ways that don’t always make sense… animals, repeating numbers, hearing the same thing several times, synchronicity, dejavu, goosebumps, messages from random strangers, etc. They point to something greater than these small forms. Something that seems like magic to the ordinary brain. They are the windows into the mystery, the unknown, the non-physical realm, the field or matrix, the web of interconnection that surrounds us. They whisper… everything is connected…you are more than simply this physical body, these beliefs lived for a human lifetime, the masks that you wear…there is a Divine order and it has a sense of humor…life doesn’t happen to you, it happens for you…trust… have faith… believe even when it is tough, especially when it is tough, that you are not alone. Keep showing up. Tear off your masks and keep showing up.
Many times, when I’m at a crossroads, I’ll ask for a sign and the butterflies show up. I feel courage + trust and I take one step towards that which scares me. Or while sitting with my grief or pain, I see the butterflies and feel the expansive nature of my soul. I trust that I am held + can feel the feelings and be with even this. Or when I just have no idea which way is up, they are there and I am reminded of the FAITH I have in humanity, in myself. I am reminded of the TRUST I have that there is something great that is happening in the midst of all this shadow material we are dealing with individually and collectively.
It is easy to get caught up in this world’s fast pace…to allow the beliefs + masks to form a barrier to true connection… to give ourselves a hard time because we feel as if we aren’t where we should be… to compare ourselves to what we see in social feed… to turn against one another… to stay small + isolate ourselves… This is the well worn way. The way that has the strong pull of the collective. Especially right now when FEAR is the go-to.
To step off this path, we must look for our signs + summon up the courage to follow them.
Become curious… is there an animal you keep seeing, a word that you hear several times that is plastered across the truck driving by, the same number over and over, goosebumps when someone speaks the truth, someone who keeps coming across your path? If not, try taking a rest from filling your time with news + podcasts + social media + video games + Netflix + busy-ness. Give yourself some space to look around the natural world. Be in silence for a few minutes several times a day. It will come.
And when it does, pay attention. Start a notebook, record your dreams. Invite in magic. Peer into the abyss of the unknown. Ask the Divine a question and be open to the way it responds…. it most likely will not be logical or linear. But it will respond. It will nudge you in the direction of your own unfolding one step at a time. And the more you pay attention to it, the more it will reveal to you.
And, from these butterfly wings + breadcrumbs, you will start to find your way. You will start to feel your inner guide. You will find your way back to who you came here to be and remember your own brilliance. You will speak your truth. You will remember we are all connected. You will be kind to yourself. And from this place, as we all find our way back, one by one, we will heal this world we are living in.
honoring our rhythms…
A month ago, I led a retreat. One of the things we talked about was how we, as women, as humans, are connected to nature & connected to the cosmos, not separate from it (as our modern world would try to convince us of). Similar to the seasons of nature, the phases of the moon, the orbits of the planets, we too have cycles of up and down, in and out, light and dark. As I share often, I fight my cycles… make myself wrong for needing/ wanting down time. Must do more. Must be productive all the time. Must constantly be working on my business and what I do in the world. Must be producing. Must be DOING.
Whew. It’s tiring to live from this place.
I end up spinning in unproductive circles in my head, acting from fear instead of being guided from within. Which is even more tiring. One of the things I teach – the importance of taking sacred pause – is also what I must learn over and over again in my own life.
While preparing for this past retreat, I honored my cycles in a way I have not prior to a big event before… I gave myself plenty of space in between times of preparing to pause, to enjoy life. I was dedicated to my own self-care as I prepared to guide a group of women through their own self-care: massage, yoga, self-reflection, meditation, time in nature (all the “simple” practices I’m constantly writing about).
At the same time, I was also stepping outside of my comfort zone – reaching out to colleagues and friends to promote for me, marketing in a more visible way than ever before, scrapping the material I had planned 3 weeks prior to the event and re-doing it.
It paid off, this integrated way of being in my busy time (expanding even!) while also taking care of myself… the retreat was transformative, healing & enjoyable… AND I didn’t feel physically depleted. Upon return, I intended to take a couple of days off and get back to it – creating content, marketing my next women’s circle, collaborating, etc.
My surprise came when I realized another cycle was starting for me… one that I needed to deeply honor as well and not by “doing” outward moving life at the same time. It was a deeply inward moving cycle… one where the personal a-ha’s were plentiful, and full of much “ouch”. It lasted a few weeks which were filled with: sleeping (the deep, processing type where you wake up and feel like you were fighting for your life before you dive back in), self loathing, tears, escaping to the mountains, sleeping, being so gentle & kind with myself, did I mention sleeping?!, self-forgiveness, and many moments of awkwardly being in the world stripped of another layer of defense…
After a lot of expansion in our lives, there is a natural contraction that happens. When we inhale, we must exhale. It is part of the cycle.
The contraction lasts longer if I fight it. And, boy do I. The way my mind fights it is by convincing me that I’m not doing anything. I start resisting what is actually happening and convincing myself that I need to be somewhere else. Fortunately, a mentor pointed out to me that the inner work is “doing” a lot. Showing up and being in the messy human part of life without running away, seeing clearly where I’ve been running patterns that have ultimately hurt myself or others, seeing where I’ve thought I was better than others or acted out because of the belief that I was not worthy… the work of looking at these things as they come up and kindly, gently reminding myself that I did the best I could at the time with the tools I had. This is hard work for me, this being human… and making mistakes… and admitting to them… and loving myself through it all.
As I come up out of it at this time, I see that actually there was also much that happened naturally – a few collaborations have been formed and new projects started, the women’s circle already has several participants signed up, in meditation, I can feel the wisps of content that is in there wanting to be written when the timing is right, some areas in my life where I have completely ignored my own boundaries have been course corrected.
My life is unfolding and I am trying to flow with it, not to fight it, to accept this moment now… not to force it, to simply BE the witness… it’s an art… and not one that seems to be promoted in the mainstream. The dance of honoring our cycles, our rhythms, of opening up to the unfoldment of our lives. Of letting go of the tight grip on the reigns and TRUSTING that we will know when to slow down or speed up. And of simplifying. I feel myself coming up into the light and want to run & jump & over-commit. Instead, I breathe and observe this too.
Two beautifully written books that have helped me: Sabbath by Wayne Muller & Gift from the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh. They both stress the importance of honoring our cycles and spending time in stillness, space & quiet as a necessity vs a luxury.
And, of course, I couldn’t do this life thing without my team of support. Part of my self-care is to see them continuously, NOT only when in crisis mode. Over time, this has built a foundation for me to firmly stand on when I find myself in another cycle or when I step off the crazy merry-go-round of 24/7 productivity. We humans are full of rhythms, of cycles, just like nature, and if we don’t honor them, we will move further away from the things we most crave – integration, balance & a rich, meaningful life. Much love to you wherever you are in your cycle. Be kind to yourself.
inspired from within…
“Each one of us must find peace from within. And for peace to be real, it must be unaffected by outside circumstances” – Ghandi
There is much bubbling to the surface these days, especially here in the states. Lots of fear, action and reaction, emotion, and a desire to affect change, to be part of the solution, to take Action in Service to the HIGHEST GOOD!!!
Ummmm, what IS the highest good? I’m not sure I know.
Yes, I have my ideas of right and wrong that I can list for you here and we all agree there are certain things that just don’t seem human, yet… do we really know what the bigger picture is? How can we show up and support the collective change that is taking place without adding to the old stories? How can we move forward from a place of conscious response instead of fear-based reaction?
I do know…
that my foundational practices are of utmost importance right now:
- meditation
- getting into my body
- breathing
- connecting to kindness and compassion towards myself and others
- remembering that we are ALL evolving souls, no exception.
And though some seem lost, we are each most responsible for how we individually show up in our lives, not responsible for convincing someone they are wrong. I have had several opportunities in my own individual sphere to turn towards the new way of being…
Just yesterday, a differing of opinion in a business relationship that might greatly affect my bottom line. My belief that the other person is stuck in the “old” lack mentality and I am coming from the “new” way of oneness & abundance (implied in this is that they are blocking me from moving forward fully). I’ve been here before in this relationship. In past similar experiences, I felt lots of emotion and got entangled in the pointing fingers game that led absolutely nowhere. However, if I am truly to live what I am preaching, I must let go of the thought that the other person is doing anything to me at all. I must release them to feel what they feel and believe what they believe and turn towards my own experience.
When I do that, let go of the story and truly connect with my breath & body, there is something different going on. In the greater scheme, I can see that this is a gift. It’s actually propelling me into taking the steps for myself that I’ve been moving toward, but stopping just short of actualizing. It’s actually pushing me into showing up fully, going inside, getting clear & taking action that feels in alignment with my center.
Yes, there are parts of me that want to make a story of how I’m right and this person is wrong. They are desperately trying to grab my attention and pull me in. I cannot push those parts away or tune them out. What I do instead is bring my awareness to them and have very kind conversations with them: “dear, we are all here doing the best that we can with what we have. I hear you and your frustration. I breathe with you. How about let’s turn our attention towards what we can do?” Several times I do this (and it’s been a practice over many situations and many times). Then the words to my heart: “stay open, do not close in fear. Stay open”.
This time is different…
The whole process takes a matter of hours instead of days or weeks. I feel clear enough to see what gift this is bringing and strong enough to take action without unnecessary force or need to control. I can breathe and even smile. I bow my head in gratitude to grace and the opportunities that my life has provided me with to strengthen these muscles. Every time, not knowing what gift the struggles, trials & tribulations were bringing me. I see the fruition of this one and am amazed.
Ultimately, I believe change starts from within. Does this mean we don’t take action, of course not. It means we take a closer look at our own lives. See where we are playing out smaller versions of what is happening in our media. What about the relationship with our families? Our co-workers? Our friends? What about the most challenging of them… how do we handle ourselves in conflict with our very personal sphere?
Bringing the light of awareness to, staying present with and shifting our “old” responses go a long way into shifting the way our world looks. This takes practice and lots of gentle patience. Don’t mistake this for weakness… it requires tremendous amounts of courage and strength to look within and work with ourselves in this way.
I think there are many beautiful things happening right now and many terrible things happening. And from great chaos, a new way will be born. Will that be a better way? I certainly hope so.
let go & begin again…
Letting go. More layers. Amazed at how much this process of emerging/ becoming/ self realizing is about letting go. Catch & release. Unearth & release. Enjoy & release. Resist, fight & finally surrender. Let more go.
This was important, well now it’s not. These were your ideas, well now they’re not. You believed this, now release it. It seems the leading up to is harder than the actual moments of letting go. The fears – who will I be without this mask, who will I be without that friend, who will I be without that belief to swing around like a sword, who will I be when all the layers fall away?
I have been building these muscles for quite awhile. My own process of letting go started consciously 15 years ago with the beginning of my first divorce. Who was I if I wasn’t a wife? Who was I if I wasn’t living in this house in the suburbs pretending that I knew what I was doing? Who was I if I actually listened to this voice deep inside that whispered loudly “LEAVE”? I did leave and it was a very painful time. While I let go of some of the masks I had been wearing, I didn’t know how to look at many of the feelings that were coming up so I buried them deep inside.
Spirit gave me the opportunity to let go more a few years later when I got married & divorced for a second time. Who am I if I’m not part of a couple, a team? Who am I if I’m not telling someone else how they can become better? This led me to 2 years of not dating and the discovery of a thread that led to answering these very questions later. Who am I without my possessions? I left a large part of my physical stuff with him and the house we so lovingly poured our combined effort into. I started to see the correlation between physical stuff and the clutter inside of me. And how the physical stuff was many times a representation of the boxes I was holding myself in & identifying with.
The next major letting go came when I left my “successful” corporate career. Who am I if I don’t have a business card or a title? Who am I without the glorification of busy – needing to check my Blackberry several times a minute to respond immediately to the television stations and advertisers needs? It took me the better part of 2 years to stop answering the question of what do you do with, “well, I was in advertising for 15 years until recently…”.
Since then, I’ve had more opportunities to let go than I can even list – my house that was not affordable on a yoga teachers salary, ideas about what healthy is, so many people & relationships that have outgrown their forms, a business partnership that was no longer in alignment with my values, groups I’ve been part of, furniture, clothes & loads of physical stuff – I’m down to what can fit in a 10X15 storage unit, ideas of what successful really means, beliefs of what it means to be a daughter, and on & on.
Why do we cling so tightly to our identifications?
When we finish grade school, we know that it’s natural to move on to high school. Why do we assign different meaning to people, groups & experiences in our adult lives? We throw the expectations of our child self onto them… you are my friend, so you owe me your undivided loyalty… you are my leader or my church, so you must be perfect… you are my partner, so you must never leave me for your own life… you are an object that brings me much joy, so I must cling tightly to you…
All of these things we hold onto become the cage of comfort that we lock ourselves in, the boxes that we tightly wedge into to feel as if we have control over our lives. Eventually, we hear that voice inside saying “LEAVE”. We fight it, make up excuses, forget that we have the key in our pocket. All that fighting eventually gives way to surrender if we are lucky… weary of the internal battles, we throw ourselves on the floor begging for something different.
Surrender has become one of my spiritual practices.
I’ve come to understand that this process DOES get easier and it is a natural part of living a fully integrated life. Just like we lift weights to build our physical muscles, we can let go several times a day to build our muscles of detachment. Each time we do this, we peel another layer off and allow more of the essence of who we are to show up. This part of us is brilliantly divine and a gift to the world. When we tap into it, we start to align with our purpose and what we came here to do.
These times of change are supporting us in each doing our individual work to clear, to let go.
What can you work with today? Start with something small & physical. Clean out your junk drawer. Clean out your closet and donate to charity. Then move on to something more. Clean out your head by journaling – write 2 pages each morning for 3 weeks before you do anything else. Don’t edit or judge, just write. These muscles will strengthen. You’ll start to remind yourself of where you hid the key to your cage… and maybe set yourself free to begin again.
wild pendulum swings & energy management…
I LOVE THE FALL! This time of the year, I tend to find an internal burst of fresh energy. Something about this particular change of season that really works well with my constitution. Interestingly, this year, I know the boost of energy isn’t just from the switch of seasons.
It has a different quality to it, a smooth, steady and sustainable feeling vs a quick, take advantage of this before it disappears feeling. This year, I’m actually ENJOYING my life more AND I’m working harder than I have in quite awhile.
The work I’ve been doing is personal & purpose related… unearthing long buried fears and not stuffing them back down, looking clearly at patterns that don’t serve me anymore, consciously choosing not to pick them up when they are offered as an option, delving deeply into my business, walking the path of the entrepreneur and all the opportunities that provides for growth. It continues to require a lot of courage.
My ego would have me believe that it requires too much energy to shift the old patterns and why don’t I just walk through life how I’ve always walked through – wildly swinging from one extreme to the next, milking the high energy so much that the lows are really low. Thank you very much ego, however I am now living from a place of detachment (and I do not mean coldness… I mean, not getting sucked into my own drama).
It takes even more energy to be:
- attached to my own stories – this is how the world is – people aren’t to be trusted
- attached to other peoples stories – I’ll avoid looking inside if I can help you with your problems
- living in the coping patterns I developed as a child -adrenaline junkie anyone? procrastinating until the last minute because “I work better under pressure” – holding myself to unrealistic, made up standards that I think everyone expects me to meet
During periods of shift in our lives, management of energy is crucial if we are to align with our higher selves & move into the newer, healthier, more sustainable way of living. We are in the midst of a paradigm shift, DEEP change on a collective level that is also affecting us individually. If we work with our own energy, we can better be able to support the collective shift happening in a conscious way.
Some of my tips in managing wild pendulum swings:
- Stop energy leakage – get really clear on what drains energy and what adds to it – stop saying yes to everything & everyone.
- Let go of worrying about what other people think when you put yourself and your passion/ purpose first (this takes much practice to master)
- Learn your body’s signals for YES & NO – when my body says no, I take it seriously & stop what I’m doing even if my brain is still pushing me to move ahead (just one more task off the list, email, phone call, etc.).
- Put structures into place that work – for me, it means scheduling TO-DO tasks AND also playful tasks – like watching an episode of my favorite show on my computer, taking an hour long walk at the park in the middle of the day, or having Saturday mornings off, no technology. If I only do the TO-DO tasks, I fall out of balance & start to self-sabatogue by binging on the other end and am in a wild swing before I know it.
- BUILD LOTS OF SPACE – daily, weekly & especially around important energy expenditures (milestones, big events, personal & professional).
- Do something completely new that you are not skilled at – this prevents me from holding myself to those ridiculously high standards and helps me to find my sense of humor… I also make a complete fool of myself on a regular basis.
- Build the plane as you fly it – prepare, prepare again & then let go and trust you’ve got it.
- See that both the lows AND the highs bring gifts – when I stop fighting the lows, they become richer and I move through with a deep appreciation for the human & the divine in me.
- Practice gratitude & kindness – treating myself as precious, pausing to put hand on my heart & breath in the good times AND the bad, helps me to integrate it all.
I wouldn’t be where I am now without my many mentors & guides who have helped me in learning to recognize when I’m caught “in it” and how to cultivate my own discernment/ zoom out lens for fresh perspective.
I also wouldn’t be here without an unwavering commitment to myself and taking 100% responsibility for my life. This is where the foundational practices of meditation, yoga, self-care, self-love & kindness, sitting with & breathing have been invaluable. It takes 21 days to change a habit – many times in the shifting of one habit, we see the threads of other habits that are intertwined with that one.
When navigating the waters of transformation, oh, such as releasing a lifetime of deeply embedded pendulum swinging patterns, it takes a bit more time & a few more threads to unravel…
If you’re feeling overwhelmed in this task, schedule a free 20 minute discovery session with me to see if working together is a fit.
digging deep…
What I’ve noticed lately in my own life and that of the many people whose lives are intertwined with mine is that things are up for review on a whole different level. And when I say things, I mean BIG things, like the core issues of our lives, the things that resurface over & over again. We have a lot of support right now for clearing the familial and cultural patterns that have been holding us in the illusion of being broken, these patterns we have been repeating without awareness for many millennia.
A personal example… being a powerful, confident, integrated woman AND in relationship at the same time. This is one that I’ve been working with my whole life as is the case for many women alive right now. Those 2 concepts didn’t seem to go together for me. The duality was: EITHER I support the person I’m with, dim my light & worry about losing that person (b/c I’m only a ghost of said light) OR I go it alone & show up fully. This could be in reference to romantic other, business relationship, friendship, any kind of relating at all. Until recently, I didn’t realize there was another way.
Many layers of this have been coming up… for instance, with my mother’s dementia, I have seen her without her filter. The patterns that she carried (and I internalized) towards this story are so glaringly obvious now as to be (almost) laughable. We were at the movies the other day. A preview for Ghostbusters came on. I said “mom, remember this movie? now all the characters are women. isn’t that awesome!”. She responds with “are they all b*tches…?”.
A lightning bolt of clarity – the many messages I received around how it wasn’t ok to be powerful as a woman. Memories come flooding back of specific instances where I am shamed or subtly snubbed for stepping into my power. Or where I’m “told on” to my father for being too willful. I don’t blame my mother (anymore, thank god). What she passed down was most likely not even hers to begin with. And quite frankly, I’m grateful to her for the many gifts she continues to give me today – these non-filter moments that trigger my deeper layers of understanding and thus ability to let go of what I’ve been unconsciously holding onto for years.
It continues. I think I’ve released it all and another layer comes up for review. I am on my knees many days praying for “this time” to be the last of it. Please please let this be the final layer. May I be rid of this pattern for good.
I realize it is a spiral. Just because the same issue is irking me in what seems to be a similar way, it doesn’t mean I’m back to where I started, simply that I’ve come around again to work on another layer of it. The last few years, my discernment and awareness of the subtleties has increased, so I can feel the difference when it’s a beginning layer vs a deeper one closer to the root. I feel myself being worked and when in presence am able to observe. There are many threads & stories that come round again & again. I am grateful for my psyche who gives me brief reprieve from one of the storylines and switches to another before I go at it again. Otherwise, my poor nervous system would be shot.
In speaking with clients & friends, I notice we are all being worked by our stuff… pulling people into our lives who play parts in specific patterns again & again so we can choose to respond in a different way, a week or month where every interaction we have challenges us to stand up and speak out for ourselves in a way we maybe never have been able to before, dealing with anger that’s been buried so long it’s showing up as major disease, or buried grief that leaves us with a cough we can’t seem to shake, realizations around repeating actions that put us right back into the pattern we are trying to free ourselves from, being pulled off center by certain experiences and finally recognizing that we have the choice to step back in.
We are living in a time of clearing on a collective level. The old MUST come up and out. If we fight it on any level, it will only cause more suffering – individually and as a human race. What one of us does, affects the whole…always…no exceptions. Our brains have a hard time wrapping themselves around this. How do I handle this as one person? I continue to turn towards the clearing that is coming up for me. Look at it, be with it, bless & release it, do my self-care practices, be kind and step back in again & again. Hand on my heart and speak kindly to the parts of myself that struggle with these patterns. Honor when my body tells me it needs a break. Turn my heart that’s full of love towards myself & breathe. Lots of this.