digging deep…

Posted by on Aug 24, 2016

What I’ve noticed lately in my own life and that of the many people whose lives are intertwined with mine is that things are up for review on a whole different level. And when I say things, I mean BIG things, like the core issues of our lives, the things that resurface over & over again. We have a lot of support right now for clearing the familial and cultural patterns that have been holding us in the illusion of being broken, these patterns we have been repeating without awareness for many millennia.

A personal example… being a powerful, confident, integrated woman AND in relationship at the same time. This is one that I’ve been working with my whole life as is the case for many women alive right now. Those 2 concepts didn’t seem to go together for me. The duality was: EITHER I support the person I’m with, dim my light & worry about losing that person (b/c I’m only a ghost of said light) OR I go it alone & show up fully. This could be in reference to romantic other, business relationship, friendship, any kind of relating at all.  Until recently, I didn’t realize there was another way.

Many layers of this have been coming up… for instance, with my mother’s dementia, I have seen her without her filter. The patterns that she carried (and I internalized) towards this story are so glaringly obvious now as to be (almost) laughable. We were at the movies the other day. A preview for Ghostbusters came on. I said “mom, remember this movie? now all the characters are women. isn’t that awesome!”. She responds with “are they all b*tches…?”.

A lightning bolt of clarity – the many messages I received around how it wasn’t ok to be powerful as a woman. Memories come flooding back of specific instances where I am shamed or subtly snubbed for stepping into my power. Or where I’m “told on” to my father for being too willful.  I don’t blame my mother (anymore, thank god). What she passed down was most likely not even hers to begin with. And quite frankly, I’m grateful to her for the many gifts she continues to give me today – these non-filter moments that trigger my deeper layers of understanding and thus ability to let go of what I’ve been unconsciously holding onto for years.

It continues. I think I’ve released it all and another layer comes up for review. I am on my knees many days praying for “this time” to be the last of it. Please please let this be the final layer. May I be rid of this pattern for good.

I realize it is a spiral.  Just because the same issue is irking me in what seems to be a similar way, it doesn’t mean I’m back to where I started, simply that I’ve come around again to work on another layer of it. The last few years, my discernment and awareness of the subtleties has increased, so I can feel the difference when it’s a beginning layer vs a deeper one closer to the root. I feel myself being worked and when in presence am able to observe.  There are many threads & stories that come round again & again.  I am grateful for my psyche who gives me brief reprieve from one of the storylines and switches to another before I go at it again. Otherwise, my poor nervous system would be shot.

In speaking with clients & friends, I notice we are all being worked by our stuff… pulling people into our lives who play parts in specific patterns again & again so we can choose to respond in a different way, a week or month where every interaction we have challenges us to stand up and speak out for ourselves in a way we maybe never have been able to before, dealing with anger that’s been buried so long it’s showing up as major disease, or buried grief that leaves us with a cough we can’t seem to shake, realizations around repeating actions that put us right back into the pattern we are trying to free ourselves from, being pulled off center by certain experiences and finally recognizing that we have the choice to step back in.

We are living in a time of clearing on a collective level.  The old MUST come up and out.  If we fight it on any level, it will only cause more suffering – individually and as a human race.  What one of us does, affects the whole…always…no exceptions.  Our brains have a hard time wrapping themselves around this.  How do I handle this as one person?  I continue to turn towards the clearing that is coming up for me.  Look at it, be with it, bless & release it, do my self-care practices, be kind and step back in again & again.  Hand on my heart and speak kindly to the parts of myself that struggle with these patterns.  Honor when my body tells me it needs a break.  Turn my heart that’s full of love towards myself & breathe.  Lots of this.