the choice to trust…

Posted by on Nov 14, 2014

Girl jump water
What’s going on for me these days?  The winds of change… I feel the undercurrents of it, pulling me in directions unknown, to places I have yet to discover.  How to move forward in my life while keeping myself open to whatever wants to manifest?  Balancing the directive task-oriented self and also trusting in the unfoldment of my life.

I find myself perched on top of a cliff, looking down white-knuckled, clenching the ground of the known, leaning precariously towards a free fall.  This place in between seems worse than either end of the spectrum.  The terror freezes me into a circular spin of the thought, an internal tension that begs to be discharged or distracted somewhere, somehow…

The usual discharges and distractions aren’t productive, I feel as if I’ve wasted time… time is my enemy.  I need more time to contemplate the free fall.  Where will I land.  Can I plan the trajectory? Should I set up a crash pad just in case I miss the mark?

Reminds me of when I was a kid and the swimming pool was cold.  Instead of jumping right in and relishing the shock, I would dip a toe in and then walk around the pool.  Next pass, I’d stand on the first step – walk around again, second step – walk around again, and so on.  Prolonging the agony of the cold water.  An early sign of self doubt, perhaps?  An unwillingness to trust?  I had jumped in before and had the experience of the breathtaking cold lighting up all of my nerve endings and reminding me of what it feels like to be ALIVE.  That would quickly give way to the joy of floating in the pool.  I didn’t trust this experience.  Didn’t trust my own memories of it.

Am I forever to do this in my life?  Freedom – I want freedom from this pattern.  I want to run & jump & taste the exquisitness of the air.  Free fall – complete trust in the unknown.  Complete trust in my ability to take care of myself, to navigate the winds of change either with grace or with awkwardness, no care of which, simply moving forward, expanding, growing, learning, loving, opening, tasting, exploring…

It is all really a matter of choice, isn’t it?  I have the choice to continue walking around the pool or I can tear my clothes off, run full sprint towards the water, launch myself into the air & feel the excitement of the unknown before a drop of it touches me.  I can trust that as soon as I choose, that I am taken care of and wherever I land is exactly where I’m meant to be because that is where I am.

Every moment of this life is a gift, an opportunity to learn something new.  I can choose to be upset if I land somewhere I didn’t envision or I can open my curious wonder-filled childlike eyes & step into the next moment of the unknown with a smile.  I choose that.  I choose trust.  GERONIMO!