let go & begin again…

Posted by on Nov 18, 2016

Letting go. More layers. Amazed at how much this process of emerging/ becoming/ self realizing is about letting go. Catch & release. Unearth & release. Enjoy & release. Resist, fight & finally surrender. Let more go.


This was important, well now it’s not. These were your ideas, well now they’re not. You believed this, now release it. It seems the leading up to is harder than the actual moments of letting go. The fears – who will I be without this mask, who will I be without that friend, who will I be without that belief to swing around like a sword, who will I be when all the layers fall away?


I have been building these muscles for quite awhile. My own process of letting go started consciously 15 years ago with the beginning of my first divorce. Who was I if I wasn’t a wife? Who was I if I wasn’t living in this house in the suburbs pretending that I knew what I was doing? Who was I if I actually listened to this voice deep inside that whispered loudly “LEAVE”? I did leave and it was a very painful time. While I let go of some of the masks I had been wearing, I didn’t know how to look at many of the feelings that were coming up so I buried them deep inside.


Spirit gave me the opportunity to let go more a few years later when I got married & divorced for a second time. Who am I if I’m not part of a couple, a team? Who am I if I’m not telling someone else how they can become better? This led me to 2 years of not dating and the discovery of a thread that led to answering these very questions later. Who am I without my possessions? I left a large part of my physical stuff with him and the house we so lovingly poured our combined effort into. I started to see the correlation between physical stuff and the clutter inside of me. And how the physical stuff was many times a representation of the boxes I was holding myself in & identifying with.


The next major letting go came when I left my “successful” corporate career. Who am I if I don’t have a business card or a title? Who am I without the glorification of busy – needing to check my Blackberry several times a minute to respond immediately to the television stations and advertisers needs? It took me the better part of 2 years to stop answering the question of what do you do with, “well, I was in advertising for 15 years until recently…”.


Since then, I’ve had more opportunities to let go than I can even list – my house that was not affordable on a yoga teachers salary, ideas about what healthy is, so many people & relationships that have outgrown their forms, a business partnership that was no longer in alignment with my values, groups I’ve been part of, furniture, clothes & loads of physical stuff – I’m down to what can fit in a 10X15 storage unit, ideas of what successful really means, beliefs of what it means to be a daughter, and on & on.


Why do we cling so tightly to our identifications?


When we finish grade school, we know that it’s natural to move on to high school. Why do we assign different meaning to people, groups & experiences in our adult lives? We throw the expectations of our child self onto them… you are my friend, so you owe me your undivided loyalty… you are my leader or my church, so you must be perfect… you are my partner, so you must never leave me for your own life… you are an object that brings me much joy, so I must cling tightly to you…


All of these things we hold onto become the cage of comfort that we lock ourselves in, the boxes that we tightly wedge into to feel as if we have control over our lives. Eventually, we hear that voice inside saying “LEAVE”. We fight it, make up excuses, forget that we have the key in our pocket. All that fighting eventually gives way to surrender if we are lucky… weary of the internal battles, we throw ourselves on the floor begging for something different.


Surrender has become one of my spiritual practices.


I’ve come to understand that this process DOES get easier and it is a natural part of living a fully integrated life. Just like we lift weights to build our physical muscles, we can let go several times a day to build our muscles of detachment. Each time we do this, we peel another layer off and allow more of the essence of who we are to show up. This part of us is brilliantly divine and a gift to the world. When we tap into it, we start to align with our purpose and what we came here to do.


These times of change are supporting us in each doing our individual work to clear, to let go. 


What can you work with today? Start with something small & physical. Clean out your junk drawer. Clean out your closet and donate to charity.  Then move on to something more.  Clean out your head by journaling – write 2 pages each morning for 3 weeks before you do anything else.  Don’t edit or judge, just write.  These muscles will strengthen.  You’ll start to remind yourself of where you hid the key to your cage… and maybe set yourself free to begin again.